1. Apologizing for Existing
ADHDers consistently apologize for everything. From feeling like they are talking too much to changing topics rapidly to not remembering what they were about to say. And those are just some of the ways they apologize for being in conversation, let alone other scenarios.
Essentially, ADHDers apologize for their very existence.
And it makes sense why they would. If you are an ADHDer, you probably have been taught that many of the things you do naturally are “wrong," “inconsiderate,” “inappropriate,” “dumb,” “reckless,” etc.
When you are told these things from an early age by adults who are bigger and smarter than you, you tend to believe them.
So, as a way of coping, fitting into the neurotypical world, you learned to apologize for everything.
Because the reality is you do ACTUALLY care and want others to be happy and healthy and definitely NOT annoyed by you.
But here’s the irony. The more you apologize for yourself, the more you seem to be wrong, inconsiderate, inappropriate, reckless, etc. to others.
It’s a self fulfilling prophecy and a vicious cycle.
The invitation here is to stop apologizing. Allow yourself to be as you are. You get to take up space. You get to share what’s on your mind. You get to meander in conversation. You get to forget things. All of this is part of being human.
And since you are a human with a good heart, you will know when it is actually appropriate to apologize and own up to an actual mistake rather than merely for your existence.
2. Focusing on their “faults”
Understandably, ADHDers are hyper aware of their shortcomings.
As mentioned above, you were taught to highlight the things that you do “wrong” according to your family, society, religion, and other background.
"What you focus on grows."
If you continue to focus on all the ways you “suck” as a human, those are the things that will continue to get highlighted. It will be the first thing you see and often times what others will also see because you are focused on it.
Just like if you were sitting in a room and talking to someone and their eyes veer off, your eyes would follow to see what they were looking at.
The same is true here. If you are focused on your faults, shortcomings, mistakes, the negative things about you or whatever you choose to call them, others are bound to look there as well.
What if you started to look at all the ways you were an amazing, epic human being?
What if you chose to start celebrating your wins big and small?
If what you focus on grows, then not only would other people start to see you in a different way but you would start to see yourself in a different way.
AND the reality is, you are a magnificent, magical being. You are perfect, whole and complete as you are.
YOU ARE NOT BROKEN!
You get to see yourself for the truly amazing human you are. Start by celebrating your wins and focusing on the beautiful ways you contribute to the world.
If you’re not sure about the ways you are magnificent, ask some friends who love you. They will be able to share with you the ways you have impacted them and others. Because you, my friend, are fucking magical!
3. Not Trusting their Instincts
As a whole, we are taught not to trust ourselves in society.
The government, school, religion, commercials, and more are constantly inundating us with information and telling us how to think and feel and be.
If you have ADHD, it’s even worse. Because as we have already mentioned, we are living in a society that is built for neurotypical people. So all the “wrong” and “reckless” things you did as a child were reinforced by fear, getting in trouble, and ultimately learning not to trust yourself.
"You are the only one who knows what’s best for you!"
No one can truly understand what it is that you need to do for you or what you get to do in this world. Only you do.
This pertains to everything!
For example, you may choose to take medication for your ADHD. That’s great! You may have chosen to try it and didn’t like how it made you feel, so you stopped. That’s great! Or maybe you don’t want to take medication. That’s great! Or maybe you take it occasionally. Amazing!
You get to do what’s best for you. No doctor, lawyer, family member, partner, politician, coach, or anyone else can know what’s best for you.
(Caveat: If more than one person who you trust and they have your best interest at heart is telling you the same thing, then maybe you ought to take that into consideration. But even then, you get to make the best conscious decision for you.)
All in all, you get to trust yourself.
Now, learning to build trust with yourself definitely takes time and practice ESPECIALLY since you have probably been taught your whole life not to.
If you are wanting some support with learning how to trust yourself, I have a program that is designed just for you!
12-Weeks to Learn to Trust Yourself for ADHDers is a group coaching program that I created to help you accelerate the process of learning to trust yourself.
Author of The ADHD Advocate Blog
I love to hear from my readers. Please feel free to email me or message me on Instagram.
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